Turning Toward in Listening: Strengthening Connections and Building Trust

At the heart of every conversation is the desire to be heard. For someone to acknowledge our presence, even when we’re just remarking on something unimportant. We want to know that the other person, especially our spouse, hears us.

In our fast-paced, technology-driven world, genuine listening has become a rare commodity. Yet, it is one of the most crucial skills we can develop to foster deeper connections and build trust in our relationships.

One concept that significantly enhances our listening abilities is "turning toward." Coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, turning toward is a fundamental principle in their approach to relationship dynamics and communication.

An Example of Not Turning Toward

Have you ever watched an '80s or '90s movie, or experienced yourself, where a husband reads the paper as his wife talks to him? (I’m not pointing fingers at men because this sort of thing happens with both genders.) The wife feels frustrated at some point and says, ‘You’re not listening to me!’

The husband responds by putting the paper down and repeating what has been said. Usually with a bit of a smug face but could also be a flat, why are you bothering me look.

If you empathize with the wife or have had this happen to you (and haven’t we all felt unheard at times) we realize that the husband being able to repeat back what was said didn’t help. The wife still doesn’t feel heard.

Why? He was able to repeat what she said, so he obviously heard her, right?

Perhaps, but it’s the feeling heard that really matters. The acknowledgment when we’re talking that our spouse gives that they’re listening. That’s what turning toward is.

May I add, that we must work on ourselves, this isn’t about what’s wrong with our spouse. However, if we see this in our spouse we can then work on how to communicate it to them in a kind and loving way to get our needs met. Perhaps you could introduce this concept, and your needs, and share this article with them so they can work on their side of the marriage.

What is Turning Toward?

Turning toward refers to the act of engaging with and responding positively to another person’s bids for connection. A bid can be anything from a subtle comment, a question, a gesture, or even a look that seeks attention, affirmation, or support. In our example, the newspaper blocked the wife from being acknowledged for her bid.

Even if the wife was saying what she was doing that day, and it’s the same as most days, acknowledging that bid strengthens or makes an invisible line of connection between the spouses.

Turning toward means recognizing these bids and responding in a way that shows you value and care for the other person.

Why is Turning Toward Important?

1. Building Trust: When we consistently turn toward others, it creates a sense of reliability and safety in the relationship. People feel valued and understood, which fosters trust. The trust that you can be talked to and care about them, even the small or redundant things that are said by us all, can build those invisible lines that include trust.
2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: Turning toward helps to nurture emotional intimacy. It reinforces the idea that we are there for each other, especially in times of need.
3. Conflict Prevention: By addressing and responding to bids for connection, we can often prevent conflicts. Small moments of connection accumulate, and the stronger and more invisible lines help to buffer against problems in the relationship.
4. Enhancing Communication: Effective listening and turning toward improves overall communication. It ensures that conversations are meaningful and that both spouses feel heard and respected. Ultimately, making bids that are repeatedly ignored feels disrespectful and erodes the foundation of the marriage. That’s how important bids and turning toward are.

How to Practice Turning Toward

1. Be Present: Mindfulness is key. Pay attention to your spouse, friend, or colleague. Put away distractions like phones or laptops (or newspapers like our example) and focus on the interaction.
2. Acknowledge Bids: Recognize when someone is making a bid for your attention and acknowledge them. By the way, if our spouse is talking or trying to get our attention, it's a bid for connection. Acknowledging their bid could be as simple as a, ‘uh huh,’ ‘yeah,’ or ‘I see,’, a look at them or what they’re pointing out, or a direct question.
3. Respond Positively: Show interest and engage with the bid. This doesn’t always require a verbal response; a nod, a smile, or maintaining eye contact can also be powerful.
4. Ask Questions: Show curiosity and encourage the other person to share more. This demonstrates that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. If you're not genuinely interested in the topic, you are genuinely interested in your spouse so have that be the motivation.
5. It can be small: Remember that turning toward can be small. It’s the small things that can bring connections daily. It can also be bigger of course, with important conversations but let's focus on the small building blocks first.

Turning Toward in Practice

I’ll share a personal example. My husband and I were in the truck (small truck) going somewhere. We live in a small community and most towns the same size or larger are at least 45 minutes away or more. I had too much caffeine and was talking and talking and talking. My husband was just sitting there next to me.

Now, cognitively I knew he had to hear me. It’s a small truck, 2-seater, but I felt unheard because he just sat there looking out the windshield.

I told him that I felt unheard and that I needed him to say, ‘Uh huh.’ Then immediately thought it wasn’t going to work because I had to tell him to do it. Isn’t he just doing it because I said something but isn’t really listening to me? My brain being cynical thought.

We continued, I talked and talked, but this time he said, ‘Uh huh.’ And you know what, it worked! I asked for what I needed, he did it, the most basic of turning towards with a small comment and viola. I felt heard and the connection between us grew. Amazing!

In contrast, turning away or turning against (responding with disinterest (even if we don’t mean to) or hostility) can damage the relationship. Ignoring the bid or responding negatively makes the other person feel unimportant and can lead to emotional distance. Breaking those invisible ties.

Another thing to avoid is taking over the conversation. We can be really interested in what our spouse is talking about and that makes it easy to turn toward, but we could end up talking over them or taking over. Watch out for this as well. A good back-and-forth conversation is good, but make sure they’re feeling heard by you.

The Impact on Relationships

Research by the Gottmans has shown that couples who frequently turn toward each other have stronger, happier, and more stable relationships. This principle is not limited to romantic relationships but extends to friendships, family dynamics, and even professional interactions.

Incorporating the practice of turning toward into your daily life can lead to profound improvements in your relationships. It requires being present, empathy, and a genuine interest in others. By consistently turning toward those around us, we build a foundation of trust and intimacy that can withstand the challenges of life.

So, next time your spouse makes a bid for your attention, take a moment to turn toward them. Listen, engage, and connect. You might be surprised at how this small act of kindness can transform your relationships and enrich your life.

Integrating Faith in Turning Toward

For those of us who draw upon our Christian faith in our interactions, turning toward can also be seen as an embodiment of Christ-like love. Jesus taught us to love one another. By turning toward others, we not only strengthen our human relationships but also honor our faith by practicing kindness (a fruit of the Spirit who will help you since it’s His fruit).

In conclusion, turning toward is more than just a communication technique; it is a way of life that fosters deep, meaningful connections. Whether in your personal or professional relationships, this practice can help you build stronger bonds and create a more supportive and understanding environment.

About the Author

Diane Cerven, LPCC, is a licensed therapist specializing in anxiety disorders, including Generalized Anxiety Disorder. With 20 years of experience, Diane is dedicated to helping individuals understand and manage their anxiety through evidence-based therapeutic approaches. To learn more or schedule an appointment, visit unlockingbeauty.com/marriage-counseling